


The Quiet Things No One Ever Knows

by engel82



Category: CSI: Miami
Genre: Angst, Character Death, Episode: s03e03 Under the Influence, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-07-15
Updated: 2012-07-15
Packaged: 2017-11-09 23:57:42
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 667
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/459942
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/engel82/pseuds/engel82
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>There are a lot of things the lab doesn't know about Tim Speedle</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Quiet Things No One Ever Knows

**Author's Note:**

> Title by Brand New

Ryan’s apartment is too quiet when he comes in. It always is now but he doesn’t bother putting on music or turning the TV on.  
  
He sits on his couch, carefully places his two firearms on the table in front of him and tries to rationalize. This could wait until tomorrow. He didn’t use them today, they’re still clean, there’s no reason to dismantle them and wipe nothingness before putting them back together.  
  
Yet he does.  
  
He unloads his pistol, uncocks the hammer and lets his thoughts wanders as his hands follow their familiar routine.  
  
He’s got what he wanted now. He has his locker, right next to the one belonging to Speedle, he’s on the path to the career he wanted. He knows the team, finally. He knows more about them than they’d imagine and yet he knows nothing at all.  
  
There are more questions than answers. Questions he cannot ask. Not anymore. There are memories they shared that he will never know about and memories he has without their knowledge.  
  
There are a lot of things this lab doesn’t know about Tim Speedle.  
  
Like the real reason he never owned a car, the thrill of facing speed and the wind, the way it made him feel free and emptied his mind of worry. The way it calmed him down somehow and gave him the feeling he had a hold on his life and what might happen.  
  
They don’t know his morning smile, half asleep and eyes still closed as he’d mumble something between the lines of ‘Good morning’ and ‘I love you’ and ‘I want you’. They don’t know how soft and gentle his touch could be as he’d reach for Ryan and pull him back to bed, how impossible it was to tell him no when his lips would ask silently for more time, for one more kiss, one more confession.  
  
Ryan racks the slide, pulls the trigger. _Click_. Wipes his gun, wipes his hands. He leans back on the couch and closes his eyes.  
  
They don’t know the way this couch used to dip when Tim sat next to him or how easily he’d settle against Ryan, head on Ryan’s lap, fingers entwined together. They don’t know his soft snore and the way his lips would rest against Ryan’s stomach, they don’t know the begging and his grip on Ryan’s hair.  
  
They don’t know…  
  
He takes a deep breath and opens his eyes. Takes the second gun, starts all over again and isn’t that just the way his life goes?  
  
There are a lot of things the lab will never know about Ryan.  
  
How he can relate to their pain, to the subtle shadow in their eyes every time they see him instead of Tim.  
  
They won’t know every morning brings the same expectation, the same hope for a moment, that maybe it was only a bad dream. That he’s still right there and if Ryan reaches to his far left, Tim will groan and hide under his pillow. But the bed is empty and reality sinks in.  
  
They won’t know it doesn’t get easier. They won’t know he feels his absence every single moment of the day, that it breaths into everything he does, everything he says, everything he is.  
  
They won’t know their last moments together were spent in a shower as Ryan rediscovered Tim’s lips over and over again, tasting the coffee and mint on his tongue, trying to keep him from going to work earlier than he had to.  
  
“It’s your last day off”, he had said between kisses, making Tim moan a little louder now that Ryan’s mouth wasn’t against his. “Just stay.”  
  
 _Just stay._  
  
They won’t know he was right there as the flag was folded and how he had to fight not fall to his knees and let everyone know he had lost him too…  
  
But there are a lot of things the lab doesn’t know about Tim Speedle. And Ryan Wolfe is one of them.


End file.
